Breaking up is hard to do (well)

Not surprisingly, dating two guys has mostly blown up in my face. The two of them have resolved into The One I Can’t Have and The Consolation Prize. But can I really date a consolation prize? Of course not. I wouldn’t spend so much time single if that were the case. Which means I have to tell the consolation prize that it’s not going to work out.

Here’s what I need to accomplish this goal. Someone, please, write a book on the topic of how to break up with someone without using any clichés. Because no matter how good my intentions are at the beginning, no matter how many times I’ve practiced my speech in my head, I end up standing there saying, “it’s not you, it’s me.” I hate dumping people, and the fact that I suck at it makes it so much worse.

I’m also very out of practice. For the past several years, I have been queen of the email dump. Before you get on my case about this, I’m careful about how far into things I get with guys. In fact, my preferred method of dumping generally forces me to be quite cagey in the early stages of dating. Because once you are too far into it, you can’t reasonably dump someone by email. Also, in several cases I attempted the guy dump (not responding to efforts to contact me) and it didn’t work so then I had to send the email. Proving that the guy dump is a lousy strategy regardless of gender. Or that I’m always the guy in my relationships. Possibly both.

In the absence of the book, I am open to all suggestions on how you prevent “I never want to have sex with you” from morphing into “it’s not you, it’s me.”