The post-hiatus danger zone

It has been several months since my last relationship ended. Usually, the relationship ends, I go into dating hiatus for a little while, then decide to re-enter the world of dating right around the time I start to feel lonely and horny. This is a precarious time. This is the time when I do something stupid. This is the magic few weeks when I hook up with an ex or have a random one night stand. Unfortunately, knowing I'm going to do something stupid doesn't mean I don't do the stupid things I fear. 

The only way out of the post-hiatus danger zone is to do the stupid thing. Which I then regret and usually scares me straight until I can get into a relationship or until I enter another dating hiatus putting me back into the post-hiatus danger zone some time later. If anyone has alternative (read: better) solutions to surviving the post-hiatus danger zone, please submit them in the comments section. The only idea I can come up with is to go completely dry for the entire period. This could backfire as then I'd have to face doing something stupid completely sober. But it would also mean I wouldn't wake up the next morning filled with remorse and a hangover.

And, not to leave you in suspense, the stupid thing I did was sleep with a friend. This is probably my most frequently committed error while in the post-hiatus danger zone. I tend to have a least a couple of guy friends in the mix that I've never dated, but I've never been too sure haven't wanted to date me (best defined as a gaggle). I've actually managed to get through it ok on occasion. No idea about this time. Luckily, he was a relatively new friend so not someone I'd agonize over burning. But still, when my friends ask me how come he never comes around anymore, I really don't want to have to tell them I accidentally slept with him. I'm not sure some of them are aware that it's possible to accidentally sleep with someone. Some people apparently don't experience the post-hiatus danger zone. Lucky them.

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you."

Today's blog post is a homework assignment. I've apparently become rusty at dating because when a date ended on an awkward silence, I filled it with "email me when you get back from your holiday travel." Gah. So I must practice. Because no matter how plummy your English accent, I just can't deal with blond eyelashes. And nothings says have a nice life like it was nice meeting you.

Ugly stepsister fights back

I didn't know how right I was in writing up the characteristics of an ugly stepsister. It turns out I nailed it with number 2 and number 5. I need a little back story here because in my rush to make clever blog posts, I realize I never wrote down what actually prompted them. So….

I went to a barbecue, met a guy, became friends, and he asked me out. This guy seemed a little bit brighter than the average bear, but I had some misgivings given extreme geographic undesirably and a suspicion we didn't have much in common. But I let him try on the dress, and the suspicions were confirmed on the date. After going for every conversational gambit in my repertoire, we ended up talking about people we knew in common. I tried to be real on the date, even telling him that failing to set up the second date on the first date means I'm not interested enough for a second date. And then he asked me out the next day anyway. I said no, we were looking for different things. He accepted and we remained friends.

Flash forward a couple of weeks and this arrives in my inbox:

"I know what will make you smile, when are we going out on our second date? You promised remember? LOL kidding girl, but I figure I’ll ask you everyday for the next 5 years."

WTF? Why is he asking me out after I said no? The reason becomes clear.

"I’m by no means a cocky dude, but one thing I do know is that I get along with just about any and everyone I come in contact with. I think I can have fun with any and everyone as well, making the best out of any situation (hence the fun squad lol). And you are the first girl to ever turn down a second date offer, and your reason was legit in your mind, but if I’m not the only one, then I think you may need to rethink your methods or you’ll end up never finding the right one."

Gold start to me! I'm the first girl to ever turn down the offer of a second date (twice!!!). I admit to completely blowing it on his having an inferiority complex. Despite his going on and on about how much he likes me, I guess he wasn't putting me on a pedestal. Or it was on the one he thinks he already occupies. Good thing it's clear there's something wrong with me that I don't want to go out with him again.

Let me clear up any confusion right now. This guy is overweight and has a moderately successful job. He does not have the resume to back up that statement. But, clearly, if I'm in the habit of turning him down then I'm never going to find the right one. Great. Oblivious and stubborn. Seriously. Where do I find these guys?

Ugly Stepsisters

Far be it from me to let a good clothing analogy die. There’s a name for people who are so desperate to have something, they’ll do anything to make it fit. They’re called ugly stepsisters. They’re going to cut off their toes to get their feet into the shoe and MAKE it fit. My last date was with an ugly stepsister. Ugly stepsisters agree with everything you say. When you say you’re afraid of commitment, they agree and tell you that they’re not even thinking marriage for the next couple of years. They are then confused when you tell them you’re not looking for the same things. Ugly stepsisters hear you tell them you never have a second date with a guy that wasn’t arranged on the first date, and then ask you on a second date the next day. Ugly stepsisters love that you have strong opinions, but ignore what those opinions are.

Ugly stepsisters can be hard to spot. They want the shoe so much, they can seduce you into believing that they should have it. So what makes an ugly stepsister?

1. Too many compliments. An ugly stepsister wants to keep attention focused away from themselves so no one notices the blood dripping out of the shoe.

2. Imperviousness to blisters. You can’t rub an ugly stepsister the wrong way. They’ll turn any negative aspect about you into a positive.

3. Warts. Obvious sign of an ugly stepsister.

4. Fatigue. Trying to shove the shoe on their foot makes for a tiring date.

5. Stubbornness. Ugly stepsisters won’t take no for an answer.

6. Underhandedness. When they’re not locking your true love away from you, they’re tricking you into a date.

7. Inferiority complex. You know it and they know it. They’re no Cinderella.

Given my charming personality, I've been out with quite a few ugly stepsisters in my time. It's hard to explain to other people why I don't like them. "How is a guy who compliments you a bad thing?"  I'm glad I finally have the terminology down. 

Trying on the dress

Male readers, bear with me through this analogy. You know when you’re out and you happen to see this really beautiful dress in a store? Check out the price tag and it’s expensive, and it’s not like you were looking for a dress in the first place. You have two choices. Walk away because you can’t afford it anyway. Try it on because it might not fit. If it does and looks fabulous, then it’s worth the money. The advantage of the walk away plan is you don’t then have to go into a dressing room, take off all your clothes, and spend five minutes deciding whether the fluorescent lighting is creating the appearance of cellulite or if that’s what your butt really looks like. The disadvantage is you keep remembering that beautiful dress that you didn’t buy.

My position is, try on the dress. It never fits. So I never have any regrets, and it’s worth the effort. It’s like that with dating too. Sometime a guy I’ve become friends with asks me out. I don’t think we’re a fit, but if I say no to a date, he’s left wondering what would’ve happened if I had just given him a shot. So I let him try on the dress. This way he’ll see it doesn’t fit and we can carry on being friends with no wondering what might have been. And on the odd chance that the dress looks amazing…

The accessories make the woman

A good friend of mine has advised me to buy a more expensive purse. In fact she believes "we all need gucci purses." My $35 purse is not doing the job apparently. Oh sure, it's holding all my stuff, and has lasted for a couple of years despite heavy use. But it's also convincing guys I’m 25. I don't wanna buy a Gucci purse. I don't wanna get crows feet or grey hair. I don't wanna wear sweaters sets or pearls or jeans that go all the way to my waist. But I also don't wanna find myself on a date with a 23 year old. Again.

* That is my actual bag in the picture, except mine is brown. Feel free to judge.

The economics of pickiness

Alright, all of us singletons have been accused of being too picky at some point or another. Don't worry; this is not where I go into a rant about why someone who's such a great catch should start lowering standards. To lapse into economics for a moment, the essential question is whether the marginal benefit of being in someone's company outweighs the marginal cost. In equation form:

where i = all the things you like about the person and j = all the things you don't

and α, β, δ, and γ are weights

So you're out on a date. You're getting to know someone. Every new piece of information is either an i (positive) or a j (negative). You keep dating the person until the next j added tips the equation in that direction.

Where we open ourselves up to attack is what that j is. The proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back, the last j is unfortunately what we give as the reason we don’t want to keep seeing the person. So if my last j (under the category of Interests) is he likes the American version of The Office EVEN THOUGH he's seen the original, I get called out for being too picky. Which, if you look at the math, is totally unfair.

First, there's the issue of weights. One part of being accused of being too picky is when people don't like our weights. If my α is 0.85 and my β is 0.05, someone is going to come along and tell me I care too much about personality, and I should focus more on whether or not he's a good person. Actually, a friend of mine who got married by an arranged marriage keeps telling me I need to weight γ zero. That's going to make for a fun marriage when the kids are out of the house and that was the only thing you had in common.

Generally, I think it breaks down like this for me*:

α = 0.27

β = 0.27

δ = 0.19

γ = 0.27

So, liking the US Office added 0.27 to the right-hand side of the equation. That's really not very much at all. What it really comes down to is that the left-hand side of the equation didn't have enough i's to balance it out. If he were better looking, less religious, less inclined to spend the date talking about his exes, then that little 0.27 wouldn't have been enough to tip the balance.

So the next time someone gets on your case for being too picky, hand them a copy of this equation. Then plug in some numbers to show them quite clearly how rational it is to dump a woman for having man hands.

*Feel free to put your own numbers in the comments section—if you can't type greek, that's alpha, beta, delta, and gamma.