But I don't wanna

I know, I know, another post about Marxism. Here’s what I don’t get though. A guy contacted me on the boutique website and after a couple of emails, I wasn’t feeling it. So then I move to the new website and he immediately contacts me again. I explain some of my reluctance—wasn’t feeling much of a connection through email, but not all—you’re not hot enough to pull off 5’6”. So two questions emerge. 

1. Should I have just told him he’s not hot enough to be that short?

2. Given my reluctance, why is he still trying to get me to go out with him?

The first I can’t answer. I honestly don’t know if it’s better to tell the truth. The second seems to me to be Marxism. I’m more attractive because of my reluctance. Which is stupid except that on this website, they tell you how often the person responds to emails. And I can’t help but want to contact the “rarely responds” people to see if I can get them to write back. It just seems like more of a win. (I can’t tell what my stats are like, it may be too early.)

In the meantime, I’m forcing myself not to contact anyone. I’ve got Guy Who Won’t Go Away, Guy Who Ended Up Emailing Me Back, and New Army Guy. I’m sticking to my plan of not going crazy with this. Wish me luck.

Addicting

Ok, I am back in the online dating game. It’s so addictive! I’m trying out yet another site, which is free (hooray!) because the couple of guys I’ve emailed on the other site have not emailed me back. I actually got an auto-reply from one of them that said he doesn’t check the account that often. Well fair enough, but I don’t feel any better for knowing that, and now I don’t know when I’m actually being rejected. Who thought that was a good idea?

And some five minutes after signing up on the new site, I got this message:

“I don't know if we could date. I'm pretty sure you'd end up hurting me in the end; you look like a hitter :)”

What was that thought process like? “Hmm, she seems cute. But kind of intense (violent, serious, intimidating?). I’ll email and tell her she looks like an abuser and see if she thinks that’s funny.”

Yeah, I don’t think that’s funny or attractive. I think you need to go back to the drawing board and think about what it means to make a pass at someone.

I should not be glorying in my return to popularity, but it’s so hard not to. Also, this blog gets boring when weirdos aren’t messaging me. It’s pretty much a win/win. Either he’s actually cute or interesting or he’s someone I can make fun of here. Hey, don't think too little of me. Clearly karma is a bitch because I'm still single.

I'm not the one who should be writing this blog

I went out this weekend with a fellow soldier in the online dating war. Her dating horror stories completely blew mine out the water. I’ll pass on one anecdote—she actually had a guy cry on their date! Said guy was shorter and fatter than advertised. Additionally, he said he didn’t drink in his profile and then wanted to go for a beer. Then, on the date, he started talking about his mother who died several years ago and started crying. As of now, she no longer considers dating guys in their 40s.

In the meantime, I’m slowly working on scaring up another date for myself. I’m basically a lurker—my profile isn’t very visible so I don’t get contacted very often. Although two 39 year olds just wanted to say hey yesterday. I guess absolutely nothing deters old dudes from contacting younger women.

Back in the Saddle

This is just too hilarious not to post. Courtesy of Washington Post’s Date Lab*:

     Pier: I told him in the middle of the date that I did not know why we were put together. We were talking about our dating history, and he was telling me about some of the girls [who] dropped him and didn't explain why after, in his eyes, they had an amazing date. I thought, I don't want him to look at this when it's published and say, "Pier did the same thing to me." So I'm like, let me go ahead and tell him now that I don't see this going anywhere.

     Jeremy: She was really honest. I appreciate that. I did feel a little chemistry, but I can understand why she did not feel that much with me.

And a little later…

     Jeremy: I jumped on the train and thought, Crap, I didn't ask for her number. If I had [gotten her number], I would definitely have given it a shot.

So to recap, she says she’s not interested, he understands, then twenty minutes later he’s thinking he should have asked for her phone number. There is just no hope for some people. Props to Pier for trying though.

In other news, my date went well last night. Although, I haven’t heard from him today, so perhaps not as well as I thought. Oh dear, I am the Jeremy of the date!

* WP sets people up on blind dates and then interviews them afterward.

Toe in the water

In case you missed it, I was on dating hiatus. I resigned my online account and enjoyed the silence. Dating is just so damn unrewarding. All that effort for six months and I came away with nothing. Well, that’s not true. I found out I’m not diabetic and got a free A/V receiver. And several people confirmed that lack of foreplay does mean he’s just not that into me.

But if I was hoping for a relationship or some more insight on how to get into a relationship, I pretty much came up blank. Feel free to post any lessons you think I should have learned in the comments section. Cuz I’m at a loss.

The reason I’m casting about for insight is that I have dipped a tentative toe back into the water of online dating. I wish I could say that it’s because I’m ready for love, blah blah blah, but the truth is that I have to stop spending money. And once I can’t shop for stuff online, well, that only leaves men.

One big change I’m making is that I didn’t re-sign up for the mass meat market. I’m going boutique this time, with a site aimed towards lefty singles. I’m hoping the move to boutique eliminates all the guys who don’t read, don’t like to talk about ideas, and live in suburbs I’ve never heard of.

The second change I’m making is to be more discriminating. In the end, I didn’t manage to stay friends with any of the guys I met online. So no more giving every guy a shot. If he can’t spark my interest—no date. I can’t be going on three dates a week again. The little voice in my head that says what if that guy is way better looking than his picture and you didn’t give him a shot? is just going to have shut up.

So stay tuned. I have a date next week with a guy who seems interesting and attractive. Fingers crossed.

To friend or not to friend

Oh my god. I just got a facebook invitation from an old boyfriend's mother! What could that possibly be about? Why would I want to give her access to my personal life?

I don't get it

This is something that’s been bothering me for a while, but it hadn’t all come together in my mind. Last night, a friend brought up that she hadn’t seen Twilight, bringing on a favorite rant of mine. I saw Twilight, and I hated it—I would have left after the first half hour but I was with other people. I was telling her that the story (as far as the movie goes) only works on the “most popular guy in school wants to be with me!” level. I don’t find that romantic.

I realize now this is my problem with Jane Austen. I’ve had a long standing debate over this with my sister who thinks Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice) is the greatest romantic figure of fiction, while I think it’s Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre). The thing about Mr. Darcy is that he’s handsome, rich, and has a really big house. While poor Mr. Rochester is not handsome and some crazy lady burns down his big house leaving him permanently disabled to boot. Elizabeth Bennet wins a total catch and the big fancy house while Jane Eyre ends up with a mostly blind, one handed recluse.

Happier ending notwithstanding, I’m stumped as to what makes Pride and Prejudice so romantic. Mr. Darcy falls in love with a striking, intelligent, sassy woman and puts aside the fact she is lower in status and has an annoying family. Not really much of a triumph of love, but winning Mr. Darcy brings a lot of glory onto Elizabeth Bennet. Not only does she get the big house, she gets the satisfaction of knowing that she is the envy of other women. Ditto Bella. Every teenage girl wants whatever the dude’s name is in Twilight. My suspicion is that it’s our desire to get the one everyone wants and no one can have that is the source of the romance.

My problem is I can’t relate to this storyline at all. I never wanted the most popular guy in my school. This is likely true at least in part out of my perverse need not to be like everyone else. But I tend to go for the arty or alternative guy. I’ve had deep, painful crushes on guys I’m sure would have been shocked to realize that anyone had deep, painful crushes on them. Which is the crux of Mr. Rochester’s appeal. He is the only one who notices that the plain, small, servant in his house is intelligent and sassy, and she is the only one who loves him for anything other than his money. What could be more romantic than loving someone for her true self?

I wonder if I’m also a victim of this romantic ideal. It seems like my appeal often stems from my popularity rather than from any real aspect of my personality. At first Mr. Darcy worries that women only want him for his money. Is it any better that they want him because getting him makes them feel better about themselves? Or am I a) completely missing the appeal of this storyline, and b) too untrusting of men? Maybe I’m the version of Mr. Darcy who dismisses everyone thinking they only care about what he can do for them and is blind to the perfect person.