Check, please

I bet you were wondering when I’d tackle the pay issue. Part of the reason for this blog is that the etiquette for online dating is so nebulous. I don’t know what I’m doing. This is my way of trying to put it all together. Navigating the post-feminism post-technological revolution world of dating is tricky. So here’s my golden rule on the economics of dating:

The person who invites, pays. 

Seems simple. On a date, someone has to pay. This is important, people. None of this going dutch treat stuff. If I go dutch it’s because I want to make it clear that This Is Not A Date. Don’t mess this up for me.

When you meet someone from online, it's like a pre-date date. You haven't established if you really want to go out with the person yet, so I want to make it clear that I haven't made up my mind. Having said that, I did forgo paying recently on a first meeting (see A bump in the road). I made him pay because a) he's a lawyer, b) he gave me a lot of grief about it being a date and being romantically interested, etc. and c) I inadvertently went to the bathroom when the check came.

It recently came to my attention that I scored points with a guy by paying for my own beer and that this is not standard practice. Apparently, guys are used to picking up the check. Well, the ones I talked to anyway. I seem to be operating from a playbook that only I possess. It remains to be seen if that makes me the winning or the losing team.

Modern Love

In contemplating the list of milestones I formerly created, there are some things missing for the technologically savvy couple. How far into dating do you have to be to friend someone? I’ve had guys want to be my facebook friend before I’ve even met them in person. This strikes me as odd, and I always ignore these requests. But I’m a facebook prude—I don’t friend strangers and I’m vigilant about kicking people off the rolls as well.

Without giving you too much insight into why someone as awesome as I am might be perpetually single, the whole issue of establishing a technological connection with someone (of any kind—facebook, skype, netflix, twitter, etc.) is bothersome to me. Because I can’t help thinking that at some point I am going to have to defriend said person. So I’m probably not ready until step 5. It just seems like a commitment I’m not ready to make before then.

A guideline to the milestones of a relationship

1. Meet and decide if there's enough interest for date 2.
  a. Caveat: If you sleep together now, skip steps 2 and 4.
2. Continue to date until you make up your mind whether there's relationship potential. Once your mind is made up either a) bust a move yourself or b) give flagrant indications that a move once busted would not go amiss.
  a. Caveat: Abbreviate time schedule if a prolonged break in dating is set to occur.
  b. Potential pitfall: If things have become "comfortable" (as indicated by a lack of effort to plan things, dress up, or if friends are invited along), you've completely blown it. Decide if you'd like to be friends with this person.  Then return to step 1 with someone else and try not to fuck it up this time.
3. Meet the friends and get to third.  Increase level of physical activity on subsequent dates.  Concurrent with this, introduce dating interest to one friend/one couple.  Indicate you would like to be included in dating interest's activities that include friends.  Slowly expand to include all major friends and larger group activities.

  a. Caveat: if you were friends before you started dating, you should now make it clear to said friends that you are DATING. Show up together. Accept the fact that they are going to make fun of you together and individually with all the grace of someone who's going to get laid soon (or is already getting laid).

4. Have sex.
  a. Precursors: If necessary, float the idea of an AIDS test.  Get one yourself.
   b. Potential pitfall: At this point, you should regularly have your preferred form of birth control on you at all times.  Women—don't skip a pill, and if you have a preferred brand of condom, make sure it's with you at all times. Men—you are responsible for the condoms!
5. Refer to the person as your girl(boy)friend.

  a. Alternative 1: Get someone else to do it for you.  Have a friend introduce your date as your _friend.  This allows you the opportunity to gauge the reaction.

  b. Alternative 2: Introduce the concept of "when" into your relationship instead of "if we're still dating".
  c. Potential pitfall: NEVER introduce the person as anything other than your _friend. Avoid statements like my ladyfriend, my boy toy, my flavor of the month, my best guy, etc. at all costs.  Before your ready, just say "this is _."

  d. Potential pitfall: Avoid actually discussing should I call you my _friend at all costs.  No one likes that conversation.  How unromantic can you get?
6. Meet the parents.  There is no specific timeline for this, other than ideally it should follow steps 1-5. In some situations, it will come up earlier.  If you have not made it to step 4, on no account should you balk or refuse to meet the parents if invited. If it's your parents and an invitation is solicited, make one.  You will not get to step 4 if you fuck this up.
  a. Potential pitfalls: This step is rife with them.  Sufficed to say if you get this far, then you should make it through step 6 fine.
7. Plan a vacation together (and go on it).
  a. Caveat: Step 7 can be substituted for step 6 in the event that both sets of parents live in Abu Dhabi or some other remote location too far to travel to or from.
  b. Potential pitfall: Do not combine steps 6 and 7.  The first trip should be ripe with opportunities to have sex in lots of different places.
8. Further steps include celebrating an anniversary, moving in together, proposing, getting married, and having kids.  If you've successfully made it through step 7, the rest is going to take care of itself.  If you still need someone to tell you what you should do next, you're either dating someone with a spine of jello, you have a spine of jello, or you're just not that into it.

The post-date make out plan*

I got two very different points of view on this, so please feel free to share your experiences. In bemoaning my lack of getting to first base, a couple of friends chimed in on whether or not guys spend time strategizing to get me on the couch. Here are the highlights:

Friend (female and *originator of the phrase) – Guys are not in the habit of post-date make out planning and are basically pussies when it comes to making the first move.

Friend (male) – Guys always have some kind of plan in mind, the lazy ones just keep using the same one over and over while the more creative types mix it up a bit.

Me—I’ve been a victim of the lunge and grab more times than I care to count. So I don’t feel that post-date make out planning is all that common. But then I was called out once for changing the order of activities and ruining a guy’s post-date make out plan. And no one’s a bigger pussy about this stuff than I am.

Why I don't kiss guys

Cold sores, obviously. Ok, I’m kidding, but I did have someone cite that as a reason to fear kissing people. But before I get going on more posts about getting a guy to kiss me, I figure at least some of you are thinking, “geez, calls herself a modern woman and she won’t make the first move.”

For the record, I have asked out plenty of guys. I have approached plenty of guys. I have been rejected by plenty of guys.  (Sidebar: Guys, quit telling us that we can have anyone we want. We can’t. We get turned down too.)

I noticed a trend after a while. Sometimes there’s a reason I’m doing all the work. Don’t make me say it. He’s just not that into me.  So I have to draw the line somewhere. I will do everything I possibly can to let the guy know that I’m an available for kissing, but I won’t kiss him first.

First Base

I’ve narrowed the pool of potentials down to one. We’ve been out a couple of times and it’s time to get to first base. The problem is, I can’t figure out how to make this happen in a city dating scenario. There are two main obstacles, my hatred of PDA and disparate apartments.

First, I don’t think people should do anything in public with a romantic interest that they wouldn’t do with a family member. With all my dates ending with me getting into a cab or a train, there’s no way to get to first base without a lot of people watching.

Second, I’m kindly calling disparate apartments. What I really mean is the death of chivalry. None of this would be an issue if guys were willing to walk me back to my apartment. Remember in college when you’d head back to the dorms together giving you ample opportunity to suck face outside someone’s door? Well now unless I’m lucky enough to live either on the way or nearby, I’m getting home by myself.

As a thoroughly modern woman I accept the fact that guys expect me to take care of myself. But as a thoroughly modern woman I resent the fact that this is preventing me from gettin’ any.

Re: re: re: re: hey

I am shocked, shocked!, to find out that people who write good emails don’t make for good dates and vice versa. If you’re thinking I’m an idiot for not knowing this already, well hang in there, I’m sure to provide more evidence that’s true.

I just can’t believe that I wouldn’t connect with someone who writes engaging emails and really like someone who doesn’t. What is that disconnect about? I’m engaging in email and in person (and on blogs, right?).  I am reminded of a friend of mine who once insisted, “I’m funny in Korean!” Which was, of course, hilarious.

The bigger problem with all this is now I have to go out with guys who write mediocre emails.

Interrogation is not a useful dating technique

I went out with my first potential to see some music. The date consisted of him asking me question after question after question. I’d answer and he’d follow up with another question. Let me tell you right now, the Dick Cheney School of Dating does not make for eligible alumni. I like to talk, I mean, I started a blog so you know how interesting I find my own thoughts. But for anyone out there who’s not so good at drawing people out don’t do this: 

Socially Awkward Person: You said you were from Montana, what was it like growing up there?
Person wondering what this question has to do with the price of eggs: It was cold, blah blah blah.
SAP: Did you have any siblings?
Person thinking s/he should have prepared a book report: (response)
SAP: Where do they live now?

Person contemplating doing the bathroom trick so friend can call back: (response)


Instead, try: 

Socially Awkward Person: You said you were from Montana, what was it like growing up there?
Person wondering what this question has to do with the price of eggs: It was cold, blah blah blah.
SAP: That’s interesting. I’m not a fan of the cold, either. Do you do practice winter sports?
Person thinking the weather isn’t great fodder for conversation, but hey you gotta start somewhere: (response)
SAP: How does it compare to living here?
Person appreciating change of subject: (response)

Emails, emails everywhere

I’m new to this online dating thing. I tried it once before when I was new in town in a much smaller community, and it was a complete bust other than that whole meeting a completely awesome friend who is the impetus for this post. I have no idea how many emails are normal but I’m inundated. I assume this is the new girl affect and will wear off as time goes on.


So with all this email traffic what stands out is who responds more frequently. But a friend of mine pointed out that this a lousy gauge of determining how interested a guy is, because some people just aren’t that prompt about email. This is true. I know these people. I talk to them far less frequently than the other people in my life who can respond to an email within a day. We’ll let the fact that I almost categorically refuse to answer phone calls go because I’m writing the blog.


Non-email likers is one thing. Although, while I’m at it, if you don’t like email, why are you online dating? But is game play a factor? Is a delayed email the equivalent of not calling for three days? Is he just not that into me? Or is he just not that into typing?

A bump in the road/Take a chill pill

Week one of online dating. After swapping emails with a bunch of guys I set up dates with two of them. Then the guy cancels on me the day of the date. His reason? He’s not ready to be dating after coming out of a long relationship.


Right away, I’m confronted with one of the thorniest issues of online dating—why do people do it?


My reasons:
1. This is what I’m doing to pass the time while I’m waiting to meet Mr. Right at a social function like normal people.
1.a. Also a good way to get laid in the interim.
2. The best friend caveat. I met one of my closest friends through online dating so there’s always the hope that maybe you just make a friend which is still helpful when you’re new in town.
2.a. Maybe your new friend has hot friends.
3. Force myself to broaden my dating horizons.


Other people’s reasons (as far as I can tell) seem to be to get married or at least get into a committed relationship. I blame you, people who actually married someone they met online. You are most likely a small minority yet you give hope to all these people that this is a possibility. Meanwhile ruining it for the rest of us who are felled by these expectations.