Post mortem

I did end up getting an email from the BT the next day. Poor kid. It was sweet, apologizing for making me mad. I emailed back to say I wasn’t mad, I had forced his hand for a reason, and there’s no reason to think this was anything other than mutual. In retrospect, I think the line, “But I can't help but think tomorrow I'm some girl you used to know,” was misinterpreted. I meant that from my point of view. I was trying to say, deal with this now, because if you don’t, I’m gone tomorrow. Not, deal with this now, because if you don’t, it shows how little you care about me.

Anyway, I was glad I got the chance to clear up the texts. Having said that, I think text message is a great way to end the relationship. Everyone is so horrified by this, but aren’t breakups better when you are forced to type out your thoughts rather than blurting out something stupid? Talking it over with a friend, she made the point that at least texts are a conversation. When one person breaks up by email (or the infamous Sex and the City post-it note), it doesn’t give the other person a chance to respond. After I got over feeling guilty about that statement (I’ve blocked sender so the other person can’t respond), I realized that is the crucial aspect. As long as there’s a back and forth, I don’t see any reason why breakups have to be done in person. I’m not sure the benefit of looking someone in the eye outweighs the cost of being looked in the eye.

Once more on to the breach

You can probably guess what the point of this post is. Since this blog is about dating in the technological age, I'll go ahead and just post the series of texts that was the end of my latest relationship. But first, some background. The BT and I were hanging out after I got out of work. He was texting a friend to see if he could come out and finally called him and agreed to come over. I'm standing there like, what the fuck?, and the BT tells me the friend would be annoyed if I came with him. So he decided to go hang out with the friend and send me home with promises to see me later. After I got home, I started reading and fell asleep. In that time I got:

     BT: Hey sorry, you at home? Want me to bring you some food? 8:13 PM

     BT: Are you mad at me? 8:44 PM

I wake up to the two texts noting the first one was sent a good 45 minutes after we parted ways. So it's not like he immediately felt bad about what happened. This is what happened next:

     Me: I think so. I fell asleep 8:59 PM

     Me: Where are you? 9:07 PM 

After I didn't hear from him I called, but he was still at his friend's. I said something like, do you only want to be with me when you have nothing better to do? But he was not in a place where he could talk so I hung up. He followed up with me by text:
 

     BT: I'll talk to you tomorrow ok? 9:21 PM

     Me: No. Don't talk to me if you're not willing to sort this out. 9:23 PM

     BT: That's what i meant. When we're both sober 9:24 PM

     Me: I'm sober, and hurt as hell. I'm not going to feel better that you're hanging out with friends so you can take care of me tomorrow. 9:27 PM 
     BT: Well i'm not sober, but i am sorry, and i'll talk to you tomorrow 9:31 PM

     Me: I get that. But I can't help but think tomorrow I'm some girl you used to know. 9:37 PM

     Me: No snark. No way you stay out drinking and fix it tomorrow. 9:51 PM

     BT: I'm not sure if i want to fix it, 9:56 PM

     BT: And it really is hard for me to say that, and i wish it wasn't over the phone 10:00 PM 
     BT: Fair enough. I guess if I want a post mortem I'll ask. Have a nice life. 10:04 PM

     BT: No, [datista], please don't be like that. I want to talk to you tomorrow. You mean more that to me 10:07 PM

     Me: ? You don't want to fix it but you do? 10:16 PM

     BT: I just want to talk to you ok? 10:18 PM

     Me: Why? 10:20 PM

     BT: Because you aren't just some girl 10:27 PM

     Me: I appreciate that. But i don't want to go through a breakup twice. 10:33 PM

     BT: Ok, but this texting shit just doesn't feel right 10:43 PM

     Me: As long as breaking up does, the medium is irrelevant

It's a few hours after the last text and I've had a chance to process a little by email and over the phone with friends. Basically, I've been feeling like the relationship has been stale for the past couple of weeks. I hate to put a timeline on these things, but after four months I felt like we should love each other if we were going to. I wasn't feeling it, and since it was clear he wasn't feeling it either, best to just get out. 

Since I wrote them, I don't know how my texts come off. I hope they don't sound bitter because I didn't mean them that way, and I don't want him to come away thinking that I was detached to cover up my true emotions. Not out of pride, but because I made this whole big thing out of the grace of 30, and I want him to know breakups can be like this. No big drama, no tears, no angry words, no pretense of being friends, just goodbye. 

So I'm not upset. I'm sad that I'm losing a reliable source of sex. But frankly, that was going stale too. I'm just disappointed. My heart isn't broken but I sort of wish it were. Here's him telling me that I mean more to him than some cheap breakup by text and I'm saying cheap breakup by text is ok by me. I"m starting to think that in all my practicality I'm just not capable of being in love. After all, when it comes down to it, I'm just someone who'd can't be bothered to break up in person.