Don't hate the player

At the risk of gender baiting, I have to say I can’t believe some guys still know so little about women. Oh hell, I’m not gender baiting. I can’t believe some guys still know this little about people. The guys I’m talking about are the inventors and adherents of the seduction industry. Popularized by The Game, this industry sells men a proven method to pick up women (and get laid).

I have been totally sucked into reading up on this after the BT first told me about it. Yeah, I know, I’m waaaaay behind the times. (He’s not an adherent, but a friend is. I’m trying to figure out how I can go out with the friend and see it in action.) It’s hilarious. These guys really believe their stupid techniques work. They’ll even back it up with pop psychology or evolutionary biology. Apparently, women have evolved an attraction for guys who subtly insult us.

But I ask you, what is the number one contributing factor to attractiveness? Yeah. Confidence. All other things being equal, the confident bird catches the worm. So if you designed a program that told guys what to say/do when around the opposite sex, if you gave them training, and even took them out to practice, what do you think would happen? Duh, you idiots. It would work. But not because faking disinterest makes a woman compete for your attention. Because being talkative and friendly and not desperate is attractive. To people, not just women.

I can’t honestly say it’s a bad thing that guys are being given this confidence. Nor am I upset it’s promoting a misogynist point of view. It only is if the guys are so stupid they think these women are actually into them. Really, the only thing that upsets me is that they’re stupid enough to believe they’re own hype. That’s just sad.

The grace of 30

It’s hard to keep a blog about online dating going when you’re not doing any of it. Stupid relationships. But I managed to create a tempest in a teacup this weekend. Better yet, the tempest was entirely in my own head. The short story (the longer it goes, the stupider I sound) is that I told the BT I was no longer fucking around in the relationship, I was falling in love, and I was afraid he was going to break my heart. Yeah, the last part was added by the drunk part of my mind. The next morning he was acting strange and then he decided to go home and spend the rest of the day on his own. I now know he was tired and out of sorts and just needed to get some rest. My mind went somewhere else entirely, and I got all paranoid that I had freaked him out. So much for the grace of 30.

In the midst of all this nonsense, plus a friend’s breakup, I’ve had time to reflect on the difference between dating in your 20s and dating in your 30s. When asking someone out, a 20-something worries about humiliation and a 30-something worries how many times she’s going to have to do it before she gets a yes. When declaring feelings, a 20-something worries about ruining the relationship by saying something too soon (Quiet, you. I was reflexively worried because he’s a 20-something.), and a 30-something worries he’s going to find out the relationship has run its course. When a 20-something doesn’t return the feelings, she feels that she’s leading the guy on and has to break up with him. When a 30-something doesn’t return the feelings, she waits to see if she’ll get there at some point. A dumping can go a couple of ways for a 20-something. The depression route has a 20-something feeling unlovable and inadequate. The anger route has a 20-something feeling outraged that anyone could dare think he is unlovable or inadequate. A 30-something is sad it didn’t work out, and worried about how long he’s going to have to wait to get laid again.

Essentially, the grace of 30 is realizing that shit doesn’t work out, and it’s not a referendum on you. I hope I give anyone younger relief that things do get better or maybe even the inspiration to get there faster.