Fat guy, hot wife

I found this paper online about how peoples’ assessments about differences in attractiveness figures into whom they choose to date. The study’s authors used data from HotorNot to see what influenced people’s willingness to contact another person for a potential date.

There were a couple of interesting results. But this post is about the gender differences. Men were more likely than women to contact women with higher hotness ratings and yet less likely to consider their own hotness when making contact. Stated more simply, men think it’s more important for a woman to be attractive than a man.

On the face of it, this is not a bad assumption since this and other studies show that women prioritize physical attractiveness less than men do although more attractive people are more selective regardless of gender. I can’t help but agree with The Family Guy episode that pokes fun of the tv phenomena of fat men with hot wives. This doesn’t tend to play itself out in real life—people tend to date and marry within their own physical attractiveness level. So all these shows (and movies) do is perpetuate a belief for men that this is true. And this drives me bat shit crazy.

One of the big reasons I’m so popular online is that a significant portion of the guys who make contact are suburban guys in their 40s. Despite the fact that I clearly state age and distance limits, their attitude seems to be that it’s worth it for them to take a shot at a younger, hotter woman. I assume this works like spam—someone somewhere must be responding to these guys or they wouldn’t keep doing it. Or maybe it’s essentially costless to wink at me so the success of the venture is irrelevant.

Either way it’s not costless to me. I have to sort through these emails to get to the guys I would consider dating. I have to deal with the irritation that despite the fact that I bothered to make public my requirements, they are being ignored. Or they’re not and I get emails like, “I know I’m out of your age range, but…” But what? I look like Brad Pitt so I figured you wouldn’t mind? No, never that. It’s always, “but you seemed so awesome I thought I’d give it a shot.”

Please guys do all of us a favor. Take a good hard look in the mirror before you send that email or wink. Sure, you’re fun and interesting, you have a good job and a nice house. But remember, there is another guy out there with all those qualities who is better looking. We’re going to choose him instead.

When it rains

Online dating is making me a player. I’ve never attempted to date more than one guy before. I have gone out with more than one guy in the space of a week (but never within the same day), but usually when it comes down to the second date, I’ve narrowed my choices down to one. Now I’m down to two and finding the right thing to do which still lets me have my fun is proving a bit elusive.

What I want to do is commit a sin of omission. If neither of them specifically asks if I’m dating someone else, well it’s their fault for assuming we’re exclusive. Chick though I may be, I don’t like talking about relationships. The last time I tried to get permission for dating someone else, it went badly. I asked if we were exclusive and got a host of reassurances from the guy that I was the only one he was remotely considering. So at that point I felt bad saying the reason I asked was not for reassurance but permission.

I don’t usually bring up exclusivity until it’s time to sleep together. I have a long-standing policy of sleeping only with me. But this means that I’ll have to choose one of them to have sex with, right? But, what if I have sex with one of them while I’m still deciding? I’m only sleeping with one of them although technically I’m dating someone else. That should be ok, right…? (Say yes)

This whole thing is a mess of raging hormones, guilt, and confusion. Which is still infinitely better than not dating anyone at all.

Your husband is not that hot

I remember hearing a guest on a talk show once commenting on how much some straight people are afraid of gay people. Frustrated by this, he wanted to tell them all, “you’re not that hot!” The idea that all these gay people were going to be making advances was just ridiculous. Well, to all the married or otherwise coupled ladies out there, “your husband is not that hot.” So we can all stop worrying about me making advances.

This doesn’t necessarily solve the problem that I’m that hot. But even if I am—he didn’t pick me. And it’s just really sad for these women to be obsessing about facebook friends and old girlfriends, etc. Partly I blame Sex and the City. I remember watching a whole episode about how problematic it is to be single because married women see you as a threat.

I want to state for the record that I’m not friends with any of these women. Spouses and girlfriends alike have happily let me spend some quality alone time with their men. For all of the relationships that pre-date me becoming friends with the guy, I think the women would laugh their asses off at the thought he’d jump ship for me. One of my friends’ wives is so comfortable with the issue she told me how sexy her husband thought I looked after glamming it up one night.

To sum up: WOMEN AND MEN CAN BE FRIENDS. It’s possible. Lots and lots of times we can’t because of real or perceived sexual interest, but not every time. So get a grip people.

More rules

Check out the blog entry from Jezebel, On the subject of these alleged online relationship rules.  We're all finding our feet in the new modern world, but this brings up a few things I'd ban if I could control the world. First and foremost, joint email addresses. I refuse to relate to a couple as a single entity, especially because in 99% of cases I met one of them first. I've outed myself as a commitment-phobe already, but seriously, I can't abide that people give up their individual identity once married.

Second, who the hell thinks it's a good idea to share passwords? Is your relationship so awesome that you never consider bitching about your partner? A little healthy venting is a good thing. Yes, we all have something to hide and it may be our utter disgust at your ear hair. Not something you need to know about. Also, are you going to remember to change all those passwords if the relationship ends? Think about it because I had a friend who was deleting a guy's voicemail messages a year after she walked out on him.

My third issue is the perceived threat of the single woman. A weighty enough topic to be considered on its own.

Marxism

If you've never read anything by Alain de Botton, you're missing out. I use his theory on Marxism all the time to explain relationships. A good synopsis of the theory is found here,

http://lulujordan.blogspot.com/2006/01/marxism-and-love.html.

Pimp your friends

People are free-riding online dating! For those of you unfamiliar with the term, this means exactly what you think it means, mooching. I have now twice had my email address forwarded to a friend of someone who is paying for the service (with my permission). Does this make online dating a public good? I shudder to think of the implications if that’s true. I find it hard to believe online dating is underprovided in the market.