There's nowhere to go from high expectations but down

I had more or less committed to let this blog sit idle but this was too good a story to pass up. And by good, I of course mean a train wreck. Let's call it the #2 Worst Sexual Experience of My Life. 

Prologue: A guide to dating Jewish girls 

Maybe it's unfair of me to expect the goyim to be culturally sensitive about issues that don't affect them. So in this public forum, let me just let you know, you need to warn a girl if you've still got all your original parts. We're a bit squeamish about it. 

Chapter 1. Anticipation 

There was quite a build up to my first time with the guy I'm going to call the Cap'n. Not only had we been dating several weeks, my body decided to go on strike when I was finally ready to sleep with him, which added an additional several days to the waiting period. There were the two things that got my expectations sky high. I talked to a friend about my new guy who mentioned that certain things might be in proportion to his 6'3" frame. I was also repeatedly guaranteed a great time by the Cap'n when I did finally sleep with him. Also, it was nice to have a lead up period to get the mood killing discussion of sexual health out of the way. 

Chapter 2. The main event 

I'm immediately hit with the little surprise from the prologue. No problem! I can roll with it. Would have been nice to be warned, but hey, it's business time. 

The next blow comes pretty soon after. After a relatively perfunctory foreplay period, it really is time to get down to business. What do you mean, you thought we could "do some stuff first?" Are these magical condoms that work as long as you're in the same room with them? Because the ones I'm familiar with only work when you put them on. 

And the hits keep coming! Because guess what happens when the condom gets on? Performance issues! Now my sample size is only two, but both uncircumcised guys I've been with complained about not being able to keep an erection with a condom on. There's a pun in there somewhere about giving me a hard time for insisting on condoms. 

But there's more? Why what else could there be? Ah, not just performance issues, but performance anxiety! The Cap'n's delicate sensibilities are too frayed for him to come the first time he sleeps with anyone. Yay, that just means I'm going to have work extra hard! But it will be worth it right? Because I was guaranteed a great time… 

Yes, amazingly I'm still thinking that somehow this guy is going to make good on that promise. But he in no way has the skills to back up that guarantee. But wait, by now you should know there's more! Not only does he not have the skills, he's not even that clear on the basics of female anatomy. I mean it. He wasn't even close. 

Chapter 3. After. Glow. 

Finally things wrap up, and it's time to get some sleep since we both have work the next day. Typical guy that I am, I'm lying there wondering what time it is and how many hours I have to go until I can get out of there. During my protracted musings on the nature of how much better it is in my bed, the Cap'n gets out of bed to start reading some stuff on the computer. The computer, which is in the bedroom. Not like in another room where I can't see the glow of the monitor. I'm lying there for what feels like four hours but is probably about a half hour, when I realize I actually can just go home. 

So I start getting dressed. He scrambles to save the situation by saying he was just about to come to bed. Because it's less rude if you're prepared to stop once the person is already pissed off. I am having none of this. I just want to get the hell out of there. So I leave, insisting that a 1am walk on a weeknight through the city is fine. Because I'm an idiot and don't have any cab money. I'm a block away from my place when he rides up on his bike. I should be glad that he did the gentlemanly thing and got his ass out of bed to come after me, but at this point I'm already safe. All I can think is, great, another awkward good night.

Chapter 4. That was easy 

Ok, so it's quite clear that I've got to get rid of this guy. My strategy is going to be keep the nighttime plans I already have with friends then dump him the first time I can get him to come out somewhere. Amazingly, shockingly, precedent-settlingly, I'm able to rid myself of him with very little fuss. 

Two days after the event, I get a long email that ends in the request for a do-over. Note to the Cap'n: when a girl literally risks her life and iPhone to get away from you, she don't want no do-over. Apparently the Cap'n is expecting me to make good on my promise to sleep with him regularly since I've asked him to forswear all other pussy in favor of mine (or forswear mine in favor of all others). This is also my sole purpose in his life, since he doesn't ask me to do anything, just requests that I let him know the minute I'm able to jump his bones again. I use the term bones loosely here. I stick with my strategy until I get a late night email saying he feels bad for trying to guilt me into a date, but the exclusivity thing has been doing a mental number on him. 

An out? It can't really be this easy? Ah but it is. I agree to dispense with the exclusivity rather than risk his discomfort. He hedges and says it's fine unless I want to dispense with it for my own reasons. So I reply that I do and wish him the best. The Queen of the Email Dumps reigns.