The list of things that are far away

Sorry I have been so slow getting new posts up. It's been a combination of a lot of travel and a back injury. I've been out of the office a lot the past couple of months which means I actually have to do work when I'm there! I also pulled a muscle in my back a couple of weeks ago which has involved endless hours lying on my couch not doing much of anything. In my boredom, I created a list which I think illustrates what it's like when you pull a muscle in your lower back.

Here is a list of things that are far away.

1. The toilet seat
2. The toilet paper (once I make it to the toilet seat)
3. My feet
4. Oops, whatever I just dropped
5. A plate of food on the table
6. The faucet (as measured in the distance to my mouth full of toothpaste)
7. The other side of the bed
8. The next step up

Next episode, Muscle Relaxers: how come I only see things that are actually there? Unless, wait, have I always had a roommate?

Dating in public

For those of you who like the tragedy that is dating, I posted the link to Date Lab, a column in the Washington Post Magazine. The link doesn’t work so do a search when you’re at the Washington Post. It’s sadly addictive, but only when the date goes horribly wrong. Personally, I have to wonder why someone would sign up for this, although the free matchmaking does sound appealing.

My generous pie chart

Ok, so I’ve got some more data on the whole who-contacts-who issue for online dating. Check it out. First, I can’t help but giggle at the distribution of male attractiveness as perceived by women. Unless they think all the really attractive guys don’t date online, then this distribution is hilarious. It represents what I’ll call the good driver response-- when you ask people if they think they’re in the top 50% of drivers, almost everyone responds yes. Apparently, this is called illusory superiority (thanks, Wikipedia). So apparently women don’t know what medium looks are.

I think I come out ok on this. I gave 25% of guys as being attractive to me (not quite the same as attractive). Also, of the four “totally decent” guys presented, I think the first two are a bit better than medium while the second two are the definition of medium. I would click to see the profiles of the first two based on their pictures. Of course, none of them are overweight which probably makes a big difference in how attractive I think they are.

But clearly I’ve been too generous to my male counterparts in saying that their experiences were the same as mine. Clearly, no, I’m getting more messages from much less attractive people than guys of similar looks. I love it when data shows I’m right. But I have to highlight one of the commenters who blamed the matching on the site. Dating sites ask you what you’re like and what you want, but if people lie about their attractiveness or have all kinds of personal characteristics in common than you’re going to be a good match even though the person could be much less attractive than you. As one person put it:

“’look! we both are liberal! I bet that goddess will totally love my desperate ass!’”

Or in my case, he likes dogs and is a night owl. No, don’t. I have no idea why these guys are being shopped to me. I like morning people.

The pursuit of man

I’ve been wanting to tackle this topic on the blog for a while. I think most of us fall naturally into either the pursuer or pursuee categories. Most of the time, I sit back and let the guys come to me although on occasion I’ll play the aggressor. I have long thought this is a really shitty strategy, but it’s hard to break myself of the habit because I’m naturally a bit shy with the opposite sex. Unless they’re unattractive or I’m unavailable in which case I’m very flirtatious. 

Online dating changes that completely. It’s still very easy for me to be the pursuee because I get contacted enough. But it’s much easier for me to be the pursuer. Online rejection is almost not like rejection at all. I have no problem shooting a guy an email and having him not respond. I’m disappointed, but rarely do I feel rejected. And I’m right that this is a better strategy. The only guys I’ve been out with more than once were all ones I emailed first.

This doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Why do the guys I attract passively never measure up to the guys I attract actively? I can think of several possible reasons:

1. People only hit on the people they think they can’t normally get.

2. I’m inhibited around attractive men so they don’t ask me out.

3. I’m a better judge of who I’ll match with than the guys who pick me.

4. I’ve made the choice so I’m more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt and a real shot at dating.

5. Marxism is at it again—I just assume the guys who hit on me are inferior.

6. Hitting on guys makes them more attractive. This study explains this phenomenon.

7. I don’t understand statistics. This is probably best explained with a pie chart:

So if the pie chart represents all men and the guys who hit on me are a subset of this population, then there are going to be disproportionally more unattractive men hitting on me. Whereas I’m only hitting on the attractive ones.

There is one last possibility. Maybe, I’m just over thinking it. I don’t know what’s worse, thinking I’m doing everything right and the fates aren’t smiling on me or thinking I’m doing everything wrong.

Other places to find dates

Thank you Slate for telling us urbanites how to meet someone on a train. This is from a recent article:

“Has the era of the electronically immersed commuter, oblivious to all around him, lost in his playlists, signaled a decline in subway psychology? Not that I can find. One recent study conducted by officials at the Paris Metro—which looked at "missed connection" ads placed by urbanites looking for love in the city—found that the Metro "is without doubt the foremost producer of urban tales about falling in love." The seats closest to the door, it seemed, offered the best opportunities for falling in love with the proper stranger.”

Now, it is worth noting that this may only work in Paris, city of love that it is. But I will say that when I was in my early twenties, I did sporadically have guys come up to me with the line, “I’ve seen you on the train.” (I don’t know if it’s because I generally read during the commute, or not, but I never recognized any of these guys.)

This hasn’t happened in the six months I’ve been riding the train to work in my new town. I leave you to wonder if it’s because of my declining looks/approachability or if it’s because the train is much more crowded. Previously, I always got a seat, almost always by the door because it’s my favorite spot on the train. These days, I’m on a more popular route, shoved in with everyone else. As if meeting someone at this age, wasn’t hard enough…

Breaking up is hard to do (well)

Not surprisingly, dating two guys has mostly blown up in my face. The two of them have resolved into The One I Can’t Have and The Consolation Prize. But can I really date a consolation prize? Of course not. I wouldn’t spend so much time single if that were the case. Which means I have to tell the consolation prize that it’s not going to work out.

Here’s what I need to accomplish this goal. Someone, please, write a book on the topic of how to break up with someone without using any clichés. Because no matter how good my intentions are at the beginning, no matter how many times I’ve practiced my speech in my head, I end up standing there saying, “it’s not you, it’s me.” I hate dumping people, and the fact that I suck at it makes it so much worse.

I’m also very out of practice. For the past several years, I have been queen of the email dump. Before you get on my case about this, I’m careful about how far into things I get with guys. In fact, my preferred method of dumping generally forces me to be quite cagey in the early stages of dating. Because once you are too far into it, you can’t reasonably dump someone by email. Also, in several cases I attempted the guy dump (not responding to efforts to contact me) and it didn’t work so then I had to send the email. Proving that the guy dump is a lousy strategy regardless of gender. Or that I’m always the guy in my relationships. Possibly both.

In the absence of the book, I am open to all suggestions on how you prevent “I never want to have sex with you” from morphing into “it’s not you, it’s me.”

The Marxist cycle

If dating is already a game of wanting what you can’t have, then dating multiple people at once is just a more punishing version of this game. I admit to being a Marxist by being highly suspicious of guys who are too into me. I didn’t realize how far gone I was though. The truth is I’m not getting any closer to making a decision, though I highly suspect one is about to be made for me. (Impending rejection is a dish best served promptly).

I can’t decide which guy I like better because it changes depending on who I’m with. The minute one of them seems less available, my attention immediately becomes focused on winning him over. I’m normally prone to second guessing my instincts (you would be too if you had made the bad decisions I’ve made) but this just makes it impossible.

Ode to the druknen emaol

I know it’s become common among my generation to drink and dial. With the advent of cell phones, we’re never far away from an embarrassing conversation full of slurred words and insincere tokens of affection. But let me extol to you the virtues of drinking and typing. There’s nothing better than getting home from a night of drinking and sending out a delightful missive that is sure to amuse and bemuse your friends. And the best part is, you never have to wonder exactly what you said when you were drunk.

The other advantage of drunken typing is that the drunker you are, the more likely the string of letters you put together will not add up to actual words. Whereas, on the phone, this level of inebriation is likely to lead to things like inviting a douche-bag ex over for get back together sex. Mind you, I did recently use “love” to sign off an email. So there are pitfalls. I like to think I made up for that by misspelling my own name though.

Fat guy, hot wife

I found this paper online about how peoples’ assessments about differences in attractiveness figures into whom they choose to date. The study’s authors used data from HotorNot to see what influenced people’s willingness to contact another person for a potential date.

There were a couple of interesting results. But this post is about the gender differences. Men were more likely than women to contact women with higher hotness ratings and yet less likely to consider their own hotness when making contact. Stated more simply, men think it’s more important for a woman to be attractive than a man.

On the face of it, this is not a bad assumption since this and other studies show that women prioritize physical attractiveness less than men do although more attractive people are more selective regardless of gender. I can’t help but agree with The Family Guy episode that pokes fun of the tv phenomena of fat men with hot wives. This doesn’t tend to play itself out in real life—people tend to date and marry within their own physical attractiveness level. So all these shows (and movies) do is perpetuate a belief for men that this is true. And this drives me bat shit crazy.

One of the big reasons I’m so popular online is that a significant portion of the guys who make contact are suburban guys in their 40s. Despite the fact that I clearly state age and distance limits, their attitude seems to be that it’s worth it for them to take a shot at a younger, hotter woman. I assume this works like spam—someone somewhere must be responding to these guys or they wouldn’t keep doing it. Or maybe it’s essentially costless to wink at me so the success of the venture is irrelevant.

Either way it’s not costless to me. I have to sort through these emails to get to the guys I would consider dating. I have to deal with the irritation that despite the fact that I bothered to make public my requirements, they are being ignored. Or they’re not and I get emails like, “I know I’m out of your age range, but…” But what? I look like Brad Pitt so I figured you wouldn’t mind? No, never that. It’s always, “but you seemed so awesome I thought I’d give it a shot.”

Please guys do all of us a favor. Take a good hard look in the mirror before you send that email or wink. Sure, you’re fun and interesting, you have a good job and a nice house. But remember, there is another guy out there with all those qualities who is better looking. We’re going to choose him instead.

When it rains

Online dating is making me a player. I’ve never attempted to date more than one guy before. I have gone out with more than one guy in the space of a week (but never within the same day), but usually when it comes down to the second date, I’ve narrowed my choices down to one. Now I’m down to two and finding the right thing to do which still lets me have my fun is proving a bit elusive.

What I want to do is commit a sin of omission. If neither of them specifically asks if I’m dating someone else, well it’s their fault for assuming we’re exclusive. Chick though I may be, I don’t like talking about relationships. The last time I tried to get permission for dating someone else, it went badly. I asked if we were exclusive and got a host of reassurances from the guy that I was the only one he was remotely considering. So at that point I felt bad saying the reason I asked was not for reassurance but permission.

I don’t usually bring up exclusivity until it’s time to sleep together. I have a long-standing policy of sleeping only with me. But this means that I’ll have to choose one of them to have sex with, right? But, what if I have sex with one of them while I’m still deciding? I’m only sleeping with one of them although technically I’m dating someone else. That should be ok, right…? (Say yes)

This whole thing is a mess of raging hormones, guilt, and confusion. Which is still infinitely better than not dating anyone at all.

Your husband is not that hot

I remember hearing a guest on a talk show once commenting on how much some straight people are afraid of gay people. Frustrated by this, he wanted to tell them all, “you’re not that hot!” The idea that all these gay people were going to be making advances was just ridiculous. Well, to all the married or otherwise coupled ladies out there, “your husband is not that hot.” So we can all stop worrying about me making advances.

This doesn’t necessarily solve the problem that I’m that hot. But even if I am—he didn’t pick me. And it’s just really sad for these women to be obsessing about facebook friends and old girlfriends, etc. Partly I blame Sex and the City. I remember watching a whole episode about how problematic it is to be single because married women see you as a threat.

I want to state for the record that I’m not friends with any of these women. Spouses and girlfriends alike have happily let me spend some quality alone time with their men. For all of the relationships that pre-date me becoming friends with the guy, I think the women would laugh their asses off at the thought he’d jump ship for me. One of my friends’ wives is so comfortable with the issue she told me how sexy her husband thought I looked after glamming it up one night.

To sum up: WOMEN AND MEN CAN BE FRIENDS. It’s possible. Lots and lots of times we can’t because of real or perceived sexual interest, but not every time. So get a grip people.

More rules

Check out the blog entry from Jezebel, On the subject of these alleged online relationship rules.  We're all finding our feet in the new modern world, but this brings up a few things I'd ban if I could control the world. First and foremost, joint email addresses. I refuse to relate to a couple as a single entity, especially because in 99% of cases I met one of them first. I've outed myself as a commitment-phobe already, but seriously, I can't abide that people give up their individual identity once married.

Second, who the hell thinks it's a good idea to share passwords? Is your relationship so awesome that you never consider bitching about your partner? A little healthy venting is a good thing. Yes, we all have something to hide and it may be our utter disgust at your ear hair. Not something you need to know about. Also, are you going to remember to change all those passwords if the relationship ends? Think about it because I had a friend who was deleting a guy's voicemail messages a year after she walked out on him.

My third issue is the perceived threat of the single woman. A weighty enough topic to be considered on its own.

Marxism

If you've never read anything by Alain de Botton, you're missing out. I use his theory on Marxism all the time to explain relationships. A good synopsis of the theory is found here,

http://lulujordan.blogspot.com/2006/01/marxism-and-love.html.

Pimp your friends

People are free-riding online dating! For those of you unfamiliar with the term, this means exactly what you think it means, mooching. I have now twice had my email address forwarded to a friend of someone who is paying for the service (with my permission). Does this make online dating a public good? I shudder to think of the implications if that’s true. I find it hard to believe online dating is underprovided in the market.

Nature vs. lust

Why do we like who we like? It’s safe to say I’m not a romantic so I’m not going to buy into all that he’s the one crap. Our desire for another person comes from attraction, emotional compatibility, and sexual compatibility. But I can't seem to get all three in one person. I'm finding that the guys who are good for me-- emotionally compatible-- are not the ones I'm sexually compatible with. And one thing that seems completely counterintuitive is that guys I’m attracted to don’t end up generating much heat in bed and vice versa. So is this some sort of deep-seated neurosis that I need to work through, or is it simply a matter of biology?

There probably are some objective standards for who’s good in bed and who isn’t, but I assume that someone that I would label as bad would be good to someone else. If that's true, then something is at work in us determining our preferences for these things. But what?

In my quest to answer this question, I came across the Interpersonal Attraction entry in wikipedia. The entry had this to say about whether or not opposites attract:

“Mathes and Moore (1985) found that people were more attracted to peers approximating to their ideal self than to those who did not. Specifically, low self-esteem individuals appeared more likely to desire a complementary relationship than high self-esteem people."

Well that sums up every failed relationship I’ve ever had. Complementary shlomplementary. I call it being a loser magnet.

Check, please

I bet you were wondering when I’d tackle the pay issue. Part of the reason for this blog is that the etiquette for online dating is so nebulous. I don’t know what I’m doing. This is my way of trying to put it all together. Navigating the post-feminism post-technological revolution world of dating is tricky. So here’s my golden rule on the economics of dating:

The person who invites, pays. 

Seems simple. On a date, someone has to pay. This is important, people. None of this going dutch treat stuff. If I go dutch it’s because I want to make it clear that This Is Not A Date. Don’t mess this up for me.

When you meet someone from online, it's like a pre-date date. You haven't established if you really want to go out with the person yet, so I want to make it clear that I haven't made up my mind. Having said that, I did forgo paying recently on a first meeting (see A bump in the road). I made him pay because a) he's a lawyer, b) he gave me a lot of grief about it being a date and being romantically interested, etc. and c) I inadvertently went to the bathroom when the check came.

It recently came to my attention that I scored points with a guy by paying for my own beer and that this is not standard practice. Apparently, guys are used to picking up the check. Well, the ones I talked to anyway. I seem to be operating from a playbook that only I possess. It remains to be seen if that makes me the winning or the losing team.

Modern Love

In contemplating the list of milestones I formerly created, there are some things missing for the technologically savvy couple. How far into dating do you have to be to friend someone? I’ve had guys want to be my facebook friend before I’ve even met them in person. This strikes me as odd, and I always ignore these requests. But I’m a facebook prude—I don’t friend strangers and I’m vigilant about kicking people off the rolls as well.

Without giving you too much insight into why someone as awesome as I am might be perpetually single, the whole issue of establishing a technological connection with someone (of any kind—facebook, skype, netflix, twitter, etc.) is bothersome to me. Because I can’t help thinking that at some point I am going to have to defriend said person. So I’m probably not ready until step 5. It just seems like a commitment I’m not ready to make before then.

A guideline to the milestones of a relationship

1. Meet and decide if there's enough interest for date 2.
  a. Caveat: If you sleep together now, skip steps 2 and 4.
2. Continue to date until you make up your mind whether there's relationship potential. Once your mind is made up either a) bust a move yourself or b) give flagrant indications that a move once busted would not go amiss.
  a. Caveat: Abbreviate time schedule if a prolonged break in dating is set to occur.
  b. Potential pitfall: If things have become "comfortable" (as indicated by a lack of effort to plan things, dress up, or if friends are invited along), you've completely blown it. Decide if you'd like to be friends with this person.  Then return to step 1 with someone else and try not to fuck it up this time.
3. Meet the friends and get to third.  Increase level of physical activity on subsequent dates.  Concurrent with this, introduce dating interest to one friend/one couple.  Indicate you would like to be included in dating interest's activities that include friends.  Slowly expand to include all major friends and larger group activities.

  a. Caveat: if you were friends before you started dating, you should now make it clear to said friends that you are DATING. Show up together. Accept the fact that they are going to make fun of you together and individually with all the grace of someone who's going to get laid soon (or is already getting laid).

4. Have sex.
  a. Precursors: If necessary, float the idea of an AIDS test.  Get one yourself.
   b. Potential pitfall: At this point, you should regularly have your preferred form of birth control on you at all times.  Women—don't skip a pill, and if you have a preferred brand of condom, make sure it's with you at all times. Men—you are responsible for the condoms!
5. Refer to the person as your girl(boy)friend.

  a. Alternative 1: Get someone else to do it for you.  Have a friend introduce your date as your _friend.  This allows you the opportunity to gauge the reaction.

  b. Alternative 2: Introduce the concept of "when" into your relationship instead of "if we're still dating".
  c. Potential pitfall: NEVER introduce the person as anything other than your _friend. Avoid statements like my ladyfriend, my boy toy, my flavor of the month, my best guy, etc. at all costs.  Before your ready, just say "this is _."

  d. Potential pitfall: Avoid actually discussing should I call you my _friend at all costs.  No one likes that conversation.  How unromantic can you get?
6. Meet the parents.  There is no specific timeline for this, other than ideally it should follow steps 1-5. In some situations, it will come up earlier.  If you have not made it to step 4, on no account should you balk or refuse to meet the parents if invited. If it's your parents and an invitation is solicited, make one.  You will not get to step 4 if you fuck this up.
  a. Potential pitfalls: This step is rife with them.  Sufficed to say if you get this far, then you should make it through step 6 fine.
7. Plan a vacation together (and go on it).
  a. Caveat: Step 7 can be substituted for step 6 in the event that both sets of parents live in Abu Dhabi or some other remote location too far to travel to or from.
  b. Potential pitfall: Do not combine steps 6 and 7.  The first trip should be ripe with opportunities to have sex in lots of different places.
8. Further steps include celebrating an anniversary, moving in together, proposing, getting married, and having kids.  If you've successfully made it through step 7, the rest is going to take care of itself.  If you still need someone to tell you what you should do next, you're either dating someone with a spine of jello, you have a spine of jello, or you're just not that into it.

The post-date make out plan*

I got two very different points of view on this, so please feel free to share your experiences. In bemoaning my lack of getting to first base, a couple of friends chimed in on whether or not guys spend time strategizing to get me on the couch. Here are the highlights:

Friend (female and *originator of the phrase) – Guys are not in the habit of post-date make out planning and are basically pussies when it comes to making the first move.

Friend (male) – Guys always have some kind of plan in mind, the lazy ones just keep using the same one over and over while the more creative types mix it up a bit.

Me—I’ve been a victim of the lunge and grab more times than I care to count. So I don’t feel that post-date make out planning is all that common. But then I was called out once for changing the order of activities and ruining a guy’s post-date make out plan. And no one’s a bigger pussy about this stuff than I am.

Why I don't kiss guys

Cold sores, obviously. Ok, I’m kidding, but I did have someone cite that as a reason to fear kissing people. But before I get going on more posts about getting a guy to kiss me, I figure at least some of you are thinking, “geez, calls herself a modern woman and she won’t make the first move.”

For the record, I have asked out plenty of guys. I have approached plenty of guys. I have been rejected by plenty of guys.  (Sidebar: Guys, quit telling us that we can have anyone we want. We can’t. We get turned down too.)

I noticed a trend after a while. Sometimes there’s a reason I’m doing all the work. Don’t make me say it. He’s just not that into me.  So I have to draw the line somewhere. I will do everything I possibly can to let the guy know that I’m an available for kissing, but I won’t kiss him first.

First Base

I’ve narrowed the pool of potentials down to one. We’ve been out a couple of times and it’s time to get to first base. The problem is, I can’t figure out how to make this happen in a city dating scenario. There are two main obstacles, my hatred of PDA and disparate apartments.

First, I don’t think people should do anything in public with a romantic interest that they wouldn’t do with a family member. With all my dates ending with me getting into a cab or a train, there’s no way to get to first base without a lot of people watching.

Second, I’m kindly calling disparate apartments. What I really mean is the death of chivalry. None of this would be an issue if guys were willing to walk me back to my apartment. Remember in college when you’d head back to the dorms together giving you ample opportunity to suck face outside someone’s door? Well now unless I’m lucky enough to live either on the way or nearby, I’m getting home by myself.

As a thoroughly modern woman I accept the fact that guys expect me to take care of myself. But as a thoroughly modern woman I resent the fact that this is preventing me from gettin’ any.

Re: re: re: re: hey

I am shocked, shocked!, to find out that people who write good emails don’t make for good dates and vice versa. If you’re thinking I’m an idiot for not knowing this already, well hang in there, I’m sure to provide more evidence that’s true.

I just can’t believe that I wouldn’t connect with someone who writes engaging emails and really like someone who doesn’t. What is that disconnect about? I’m engaging in email and in person (and on blogs, right?).  I am reminded of a friend of mine who once insisted, “I’m funny in Korean!” Which was, of course, hilarious.

The bigger problem with all this is now I have to go out with guys who write mediocre emails.

Interrogation is not a useful dating technique

I went out with my first potential to see some music. The date consisted of him asking me question after question after question. I’d answer and he’d follow up with another question. Let me tell you right now, the Dick Cheney School of Dating does not make for eligible alumni. I like to talk, I mean, I started a blog so you know how interesting I find my own thoughts. But for anyone out there who’s not so good at drawing people out don’t do this: 

Socially Awkward Person: You said you were from Montana, what was it like growing up there?
Person wondering what this question has to do with the price of eggs: It was cold, blah blah blah.
SAP: Did you have any siblings?
Person thinking s/he should have prepared a book report: (response)
SAP: Where do they live now?

Person contemplating doing the bathroom trick so friend can call back: (response)


Instead, try: 

Socially Awkward Person: You said you were from Montana, what was it like growing up there?
Person wondering what this question has to do with the price of eggs: It was cold, blah blah blah.
SAP: That’s interesting. I’m not a fan of the cold, either. Do you do practice winter sports?
Person thinking the weather isn’t great fodder for conversation, but hey you gotta start somewhere: (response)
SAP: How does it compare to living here?
Person appreciating change of subject: (response)

Emails, emails everywhere

I’m new to this online dating thing. I tried it once before when I was new in town in a much smaller community, and it was a complete bust other than that whole meeting a completely awesome friend who is the impetus for this post. I have no idea how many emails are normal but I’m inundated. I assume this is the new girl affect and will wear off as time goes on.


So with all this email traffic what stands out is who responds more frequently. But a friend of mine pointed out that this a lousy gauge of determining how interested a guy is, because some people just aren’t that prompt about email. This is true. I know these people. I talk to them far less frequently than the other people in my life who can respond to an email within a day. We’ll let the fact that I almost categorically refuse to answer phone calls go because I’m writing the blog.


Non-email likers is one thing. Although, while I’m at it, if you don’t like email, why are you online dating? But is game play a factor? Is a delayed email the equivalent of not calling for three days? Is he just not that into me? Or is he just not that into typing?

A bump in the road/Take a chill pill

Week one of online dating. After swapping emails with a bunch of guys I set up dates with two of them. Then the guy cancels on me the day of the date. His reason? He’s not ready to be dating after coming out of a long relationship.


Right away, I’m confronted with one of the thorniest issues of online dating—why do people do it?


My reasons:
1. This is what I’m doing to pass the time while I’m waiting to meet Mr. Right at a social function like normal people.
1.a. Also a good way to get laid in the interim.
2. The best friend caveat. I met one of my closest friends through online dating so there’s always the hope that maybe you just make a friend which is still helpful when you’re new in town.
2.a. Maybe your new friend has hot friends.
3. Force myself to broaden my dating horizons.


Other people’s reasons (as far as I can tell) seem to be to get married or at least get into a committed relationship. I blame you, people who actually married someone they met online. You are most likely a small minority yet you give hope to all these people that this is a possibility. Meanwhile ruining it for the rest of us who are felled by these expectations.

Why do I have to say let’s just be friends when we already are?

Before online dating even got going, I had one reoccurring issue from my past to clear up. Someone from my past blindsided me by hitting on me in my new city. No big deal, right? But it is because I have to reject someone I like, not to mention ensuing awkwardness and possible friendship dissolution. So let me try to put an end to this this practice. Here are some guidelines that help you know when to use the strategy “Do me a favor and keep your feelings to yourself.”

- If the person is way hotter than you, look for lots of signs of sexual interest. Hanging out with you is NOT a sign of sexual interest. Ditto smiling, emailing, inviting you to things, and laughing at your jokes. You may not be that hot, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t good company.
- If you’ve seen the person flirt with other people but not with you, keep it on the DL. Damn. That’s got to hurt. You’re not even hot enough that it strokes your love interest’s ego to flirt with you. 
- If you two have gotten really drunk and nothing happened. If you can’t pass the bar of drunken hook up, you’ve got no shot. 
- If your feelings have become an unbearable burden to you. Gee, thanks jackass. It’s real nice of you to pass that burden on to someone you profess to like.